Lessons in Mortality
by ekc293
Summary: Nobody knew she was here... but this had nothing to do with them. Kind of sad, Post-Knockout, nearfuture-fic, slight Caskett undertones but not the focus. Just... Give it a chance.


Wow... I've been so focused on _Phobophobia _that I feel like I haven't posted anything original in so long.

Anyway... this is post Knockout (I know... another one), so be aware of some spoilers. I don't think I've seen anything done like this before, but I could be mistaken. I only ask that you give my humble oneshot a chance.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Castle. We've been over this before...

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><p>It had been an early Friday at the precinct. Kate, having been back at the precinct for two weeks now, had just gotten cleared for field work earlier that morning. She was ecstatic.<p>

It had been three and a half months since she had been shot. Three months since a new Captain was brought into the Twelfth. Two months since she had finally gotten released from the hospital and moved in with Castle and his family because she wasn't allowed to be alone until she was fully recovered. She and Castle had an agreement: As soon as she was cleared for full-time fieldwork, she would be allowed to move back to her own apartment. She planned on moving back that weekend.

While she didn't want to admit it to anyone, the last two months had been unbearably painful, yet some of the most relaxing days of her life. Castle made sure she had everything she needed and was always there when she needed him. He had given her the space she needed and was always there at a moments notice. She and his family kept her in good spirits and they seemed to really enjoy her presence in the loft. She was a little sad to leave (and she had his suspicions he was, too).

She had left the precinct in the early afternoon and told Castle that she had a few errands she needed to run to get her apartment ready in order to move back in (after all, besides a few trips to pick up clothes, she hadn't been in her apartment in three months) and she told him she would be back at the loft tonight to get all her things in order. He suspected she had ulterior motives, but let it slide and told her he'd keep dinner warm for her. She smiled at him and told him it shouldn't take that long; she'd be back in time to help make dinner.

She knew that he knew she was lying, but she had to do what she was about to do, and while she hated lying to him, she knew that if Castle knew where she was going, he would've insisted on either locking her in the loft so she couldn't go or go with her. Neither of those were an option.

She hailed a cab on the street outside the precinct and gave the cab driver the name of her destination.

Seeing where she had obviously just come from, her driver gave her a half-sympathetic, half-pitying look in his rear-view mirror that she did her best to ignore.

The drive seemed longer than it ever had while her mind was at war with itself.

_This is a stupid idea_., the reasonable part of her brain told her.

No, she reasoned with herself, she had to do this.

_You think this is really going to be good for you? That this is safe?_

It has to help. I'll be fine.

_You should have told him._

She almost growled at herself in response.

Castle doesn't need to know about this. Nobody needs to know about this.

_Because you know they'll be upset that you came here..._

Before she could retort in the argument she was having with herself in the backseat of the cab, she felt the cab slowly come to a stop. She looked out the window and saw that she had finally arrived at her destination. Embarrassed that she had spaced out so terribly, she leaned forward and asked the driver if he could wait for her a little bit up the way. She assured him that she wouldn't be long. He promised her he would, not entirely believing her but feeling bad for her nonetheless.

She got out of the cab slowly and pulled her jacket tighter around her, burying her face in it. The seasons had finally started to change, and the temperature had been incredibly chilly for it being so early in the season. She began to walk. She had only been there once, but she knew exactly where she was going.

Kate quickly made it to the spot that she was looking for and stopped right in front of her destination.

She stared at the sight in front of her and felt her breathing quicken, her thoughts a jumbled mixture of anger, fear, but primarily sadness.

She looked around quickly before fixing her gaze back on the ground in front of her and sinking down to the cold ground to sit cross-legged.

Her hand reached out until she felt the cool marble underneath her fingers, her fingertips ghosting over the name forever engraved on the stone. She felt her tears begin to form in the corner of her eyes. She had managed to keep her emotions relatively in check for three and a half months, even though everyone around her was telling her that she didn't have to be strong then.

But sitting at Montgomery's grave made everything she had felt but never acted upon in the past three and a half months come back full force.

She let the tears leak out from the corner of her eyes and stayed quiet for a moment while she tried to calm her breathing.

Kate knew that she needed to do this, but found herself at a loss for what to say.

Because she had been having these nightmares. Nightmares where she and Montgomery were standing in that hangar and he told that he played a part in her mother's murder. He would tell her what he had done to Bob Armen and then he'd tell her that he couldn't go to jail for this. He couldn't have her digging around in the past when his family was in such danger. She was too much of a risk for the life he created for himself after that fateful night so many years before. Then he would suddenly apologize.

And then he would shoot her.

She would wake up in a panic, trying to tell herself that it was just a dream. Montgomery hadn't shot her. In an attempt to prove it to herself that Montgomery didn't hurt her, she'd move her hands to the spot in her abdomen where her subconscious portayal of her Captain had shot her.

And then she'd feel her scar.

Her heart would instantly become heavy in her chest, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach making her feel like she was going to throw up. Because she knew Montgomery would never do anything to intentionally hurt her, but how did that explain the scar? So every night she had a nightmare she forced herself to replay every moment she could remember of the day she almost died; carrying Montgomery's casket, seeing his wife and children hysterically crying at the funeral, giving the eulogy, seeing that quick glint of light from behind a tombstone in the distance too late, feeling the instant agonizing pain in her abdomen, falling to the ground, and of course seeing the terrified look of her partner as he hovered about her, whispering things that she couldn't quite make out before she finally succumbed to the darkness. And then she'd close her eyes and count backwards from one hundred however many times it took before she fell into another restless sleep.

She needed to be here. She needed this closure.

But now that she was here, she didn't know what to say. She tore her gaze away from the polished marble and looked over to the side of his grave. Her eyes drifted unblinkingly toward the exact spot where she had lay bleeding out after being shot. The same exact spot where she had hit the ground. The place where she had almost died in front of her family and friends. She was four feet away from the place where her life had almost ended.

She forced herself to look away and shivered.

A cold wind came through the cemetery and she pushed herself deeper into her jacket, but nothing seemed to take away the chill.

Looking back at Montgomery's headstone, Kate once again felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes. She tilted her head back and looked up at the gray sky, blinking back the tears before they fell.

She was so frustrated. Kate had planned out exactly what she was going to say to Roy. She knew exactly what she needed to say but she couldn't figure out how to say it. She was so angry that she couldn't find the right words.

She only wanted to say goodbye.

She felt herself start to shake with silent sobs at the thought.

She was sitting at the grave of the man who had taken her under his wing from the first day she arrived at the twelfth. He may have originally wanted to do right by her because of what he had done in his past, but she knew that after awhile, he saw something special in her. He made her the detective she is today because he knew that she was capable of doing it. He put her as lead detective because he knew she could handle it. And somewhere along the way, Roy had started to think of Kate as his friend as well as his employee. He rejoiced in her successes with her. He commiserated with her in her setbacks. But he was always there giving her the motivation and strength she needed to push forward. It was always subtle, but it was there, and that was what mattered. Montgomery was her dad on the sidelines at a soccer game, cheering his daughter on even when she didn't touch the ball; he was her teacher in high school that had stayed after school to help her get a grade she could be proud of.

Until Richard Castle came into her life, Montgomery had always been Beckett's Number One Fan.

Montgomery had been someone who Kate knew she could always turn to. He knew that she pushed herself and he knew when to tell her to back down. She trusted his judgement. She trusted him with her life.

He had died to protect her from the same people who had taken her mother away from her. He gave up a retirement with his wife, a future with his children; he gave up everything for her.

And she didn't even get the chance to tell him goodbye.

She wasn't sure how long she continued to stare at his name, before she finally decided that she needed to start heading back to the loft. She knew she had to say what she came to say now, or this whole trip would have been for nothing.

Kate took a moment to compose her thoughts, then took a deep breath and started to speak.

"Hey Captain," she said quietly, her voice scratchy with emotion, "It's me... Kate." She gave a small laugh, "this shouldn't be this hard. There are so many things I want to say to you but I don't even know where to begin...

"I guess I'll start by saying how angry I am at you, Roy. You shouldn't have done what you did. Not for me. I'm not worth what you did to your family and friends..." she shook her head. She was losing focus, "but let's not dwell on that right now. There are more important things to say..."

She paused, and took another deep breath, "I miss you. In fact, we all do. The precinct just doesn't feel like home without you there..." The tears slipped from her eyes before she could stop them.

She leaned forward and touched her fingers to the stone in front of her. "And Roy? Thank you. There is no way I could ever repay you for all that you've done for me..." She trailed off as the tears choked her words. She stood up, brushing off her pants and straightening herself up.

She allowed herself one more look at Montgomery's grave.

"Goodbye, Roy." she whispered.

She turned and walked slowly away from the grave towards where her cab was waiting for her. When she finally got to where her cab was supposed to be waiting for her. In it's place, she saw a black car, with her favorite mystery writer leaning against the hood, waiting for her. She assumed he paid her cab fare and told the guy to go ahead and leave. That he would take her home.

She knew it would be pointless to try and avoid him, so she kept on walking towards him, slightly embarrassed that she had been caught in her lie.

When Kate came to a stop right in front of him, she expected him to be angry and upset, but she was surprised to see nothing but concern shining through his eyes. It was then that she knew.

He knew about everything. He knew that this was eating her inside. He knew that she needed to say goodbye. He knew about the nightmares.

Sometimes, it still surprised Kate just how well Rick knew her.

A gust of wind blew and she shivered. He immediately opened his arms for her. She immediately moved into his embrace.

They didn't speak. He just squeezed her tighter.

Because they both knew that Kate wasn't okay.

But he was confident she was going to get better. She was going to learn from this experience and grow from it just like she had with her mother's death. It was going to make her stronger.

Kate Beckett would soon rise again.

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><p>Do you see what I did there with the ending?<br>So... I'm not sure how I feel about this. I feel like I've written cemetery scene so many times that it's no longer original... #I'mmyownworstcritic  
>Regardless... <strong>Love it? Hate it? Let me know what you think!<strong>


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